On Being Frail

Much as I wanted to write in happy thoughts only, I just can't seem to detain how frail I have been. But nevertheless, here I am, jotting down notes or yet typing hurriedly so I just can dispense this downcast emotions. I yearn for someone so much. And I wonder who that is.    I want to cease this suspecting and just stop this firm faith on my intuitions. For once, I want someone whom I can really trust. Wherever he may be, even we are worlds apart. That I will only be the girl of his dreams and his heart. But no, I am not on his thoughts anymore. And maybe by this time, I shouldn't really care. Several years have proceeded, but up to now, I am thinking of, 'What if we could have been together until now?", would we be good together or had broken up just yesterday. Or if he had cheated on me that's why he left. I do not know.    It amazes me that even if I haven't found the response to those queries of the past, I must say that things happened for a very good reason. And that when I am weak like this, I only turn to God for strength. I guess that He laughs at me today for writing this. Someday, I'll laugh at this stuff too.    But really, I just want to see his face. On how he looks now. Does he have the same sweet smile? Or maybe he has now aged, not as juvenile as I once knew. Will he still be able to tell me that I am beautiful in his eyes? Does my name give him a little sting on his ears? Did he miss me after all? And if he suddenly sees me, will he ask for my contact number? Probably not. Have he already somehow made his dreams come true? With full hopes, I hope he did.    I never wished ill feelings towards someone who has offended me. But how could that someone be a nuisance in any way or another. It is on my weakness that I get to tell all these, of course when I am strong I feel happiness. I am not really sad, however, it's just so weak of me that I haven't fought on this certain mystery. You may not know it, but there's a battle inside of me that I can't explicate for the moment.    Is this just about missing someone or just like everyone else, who feels a little weakling at one point in their lives? And because of this, I can't see the connection of me being frail on missing someone. It's so chaotic. I don't want to be disintegrated. I have to resist this. I have to have strength.